I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize