you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
