I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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