1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
