ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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