Need sex. Gaining weight.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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