dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
the liver wants what the liver wants
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
