His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
