evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
