then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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