"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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