it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize