Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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