2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
