Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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