Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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