so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
