i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
worst night to have a conscience
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
