How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I came so hard my ears popped.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
