is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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