I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
