thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
