6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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