I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just high enough for therapy.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
