Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
