im six kinds of drunk right now
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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