he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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