So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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