Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
