i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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