Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You smell like stripper and shame
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
