we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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