she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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