everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
