My room smells like vodka and shame
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
