im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
