i permit you to call me
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
