Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
