Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
