I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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