I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
