i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
