i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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