Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
