im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
