pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
