I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
