you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
