i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Randomize
