im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
