Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
