Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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