Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
