Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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