What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
