Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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