Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize