remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
