Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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