Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
