my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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