I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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