He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
