I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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