Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize