I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
