i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
