Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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