once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
