ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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