Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
